On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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