I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
