we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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