My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
