i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
