We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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