i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You should frame my arrest warrant.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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