I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize