now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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