I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
