the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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