I just threw up on my dentist
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
