the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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