Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
