Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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