Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
