I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize