OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize