Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize