In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
