Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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