I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
