dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize