I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
