Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
