It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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