I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
