My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
