If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Terrible idea I love it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
