he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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