...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I need a burrito and a hug.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
