you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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