Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
