if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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