i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
