See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
