there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Drunk is not a location!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
