Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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