Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
