Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
