If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You are a genius and a whore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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