You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
