I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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