Your dad touched me again.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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