I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
