The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
