my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
