I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize