I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
