She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
