Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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