I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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