I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
His nipple licking is glorious
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