I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
organizing the empties. That sober.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
