Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Never underestimate the power of titties
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
