thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
