just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
