Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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