Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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