I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
