we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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