My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
