just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
