i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
