She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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