Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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