I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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